along

along just got the result for his first semester exams at uitm where he is doing accountancy.

he got 3.65. ok lah tu agak nya.

i was worried when along left the house to be on his own in college, away from supervision of the parent. worry that he got the wrong influences and abuse his freedom, playing around neglecting studies (like his father once was).

i do not want to be like my neighbour who is at the end of his wits because his teenage son refuses to study and bent on becoming a rock star, spending late hours in music studios.

when along decline taking his motobike with him to college, i take it as a good sign. it shows that he got no intention of going around all over with his friends. all he ever did was rent a car with his friends to go for a picnic at a waterfall.

he just came back from a two week course to be a commander of the college kesatria.

i didn't say it to him but i am proud of him actually.

during along's first day at school in standard one, i sent him because his mother could not take leave that day. i still remember when the children were in class, parents were hanging on the windows observing their kids, concerned about how their children are coping and adjusting to the new atmosphere.

i too joined in. a brother beside me then started making small talk with me. he was telling me about his ardent and obedient kid. he said he is worried that his kid will be influenced by the bad ones. so he was looking out for the kind of kid he will not allow his kid to befriend.

"see that boy" he said pointing to a kid who was challenging other kids to a fist fight and ended with slugging it out with a mean indon child. "if we allow our children to mix around with that kind, then finish lah" he continued.

i just nodded , did not say a word more and changed the topic of conversation. for it was along that the brother pointed at.

along lost the fight with the indon kid and he ran away. i asked him later why he ran. "that indon is too strong , along had to run". along said.

i am not sure what kind of effect i have on my children but i am lucky because it is the mother who is more influential in their upbringing. i only provide.

angah and adik are now waiting for their spm and pmr results.

i am hoping and praying my children will make good in life.
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tak macho

being a man, i mean a real charles bronson type of man not the modern sensitive metrosexual whimpy kind of todays half man, it is considered not macho if you were to let your inner feelings out.

that is why i got this blog in the first place. i thought i can anonymously blog about my muddled emotions without losing face or hilang macho ever since the psycho confirmed that i suffer from anxiety disorder and depression. (that is not to be it seems, i only succeed in advertising it to the whole world)

there are times that i wanted to turn this blog into some kind of commentary where i can give out my opinion on current issues such as the political, economic and legal issues affecting this country at the moment. but i refrain from doing so. we got enough number of bloggers doing that already. and yes these are macho guys, they are what true men are supposed to be, take charge and be heard and steer the cause of events. not afraid to get down and dirty in the thick of things and never to hide behind some silly nom de gurre such as snakebite (macho lah konon nama tu)

i on the other hand, am too small and insignificant. i can't do anything to change the world and make it a better place. (my psycho will grill me if she hears me saying this. we are all important in our own way and we all can make a difference bla bla bla)

but there are occasions where these macho men also need to share and let out their feelings, those pent up emotions.

what are the things that cause these macho men to turn into jelly? well, other than those team mates of mine who cried when we lost important football or rugby matches, the main thing is....women. yes women turn macho men into cry babies.

i met up an old friend recently who suddenly wanted to have a cuppa with me. i thought he has some business problems, it turn out his second wife left him for another man. he didn't cry but he was almost whispering in his sad soft tone when telling me his tale. so different from his usual loud guffaws. i don't know how to react. i don't know what to say. in my mind i was saying "padan muka kau, sape suruh gatal sangat nak kawin banyak, bini yang satu pun tak terjaga." but of course, i just kept quiet. i got no advice to give, i just listen. and this is a man who has gone through a lot in order to make good in life.

i remember my father too once exhibited his softness. my father the typical tough devil may care type of man. he has always been the i say you do type to his children. yes, even until now i have dificulty in being close to him, after being whacked so many times in my childhood. that was his way of teaching me. the school of hard knocks.

the only emotion my father ever exhibited was anger. though i know he is a very loving man and he loves his children above all others, he just don't show it. i think he never know how.

he was in the army during the emergency and he has shot and killed people.

but one day i saw my old man sitting alone under a jambu tree near our house. i went to the jambu tree and climbed it as i wanted to eat the jambu. suddenly he began talking to me about the fight between my mother, my stepmother and him. the previous day, there was a certain issue between my mother and my stepmother. they fought and my father tried to intervene in his usual way, by threatening bodily harm to both of them. but surprisingly, my mother didn't back out nor got intimidated, she just grab a 'sabit' and threatened to cut everybody down. it was my father who quitened down.

my father began to talk to me about the reasons why my stepmother was not happy, that cause all the commotion and began to analysed where he did wrong. i was surprised because i never saw my father being in such a state. talking softly as if 'mengadu' to me. i am only fifteen, what do i know about all these things. what am i supposed to say? i just climbed, collect the fruits and and walked away, munching on the jambu. on a hind sight, i should have stayed and listened to him and maybe say a word or two to comfort him.

actually i started out wanting to write about something else. but i felt tak macho if i lay it out. so ended up writing this piece instead.

huarrggh huarrggh huarrggh
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tak puas hati

kenapa ye?

rasa marah, tak puas hati, tak seronok, takde semangat...

kenapa rasa begini? apa puncanya?

selalu kita salahkan faktor faktor luaran untuk perasaan seperti ini, seperti salahkan orang lain yang menyebabkan kita rasa begitu. orang lain yang tidak memenuhi kehendak kita. atau keadaan tidak menyebelahi kita. atau apa yang dirancang tidak menjadi. atau apabila kehendak tidak tidak tercapai. atau apabila berasa terlalu sukar dalam usaha kita.

tapi munkinkah puncanya dari dalam diri kita? sikap kita sendiri? kita yang memang sedia berperasaan begitu? kita mahukan dunia mengikut kehendak kita tetapi dunia tidak peduli? jiwa kita yang sememangnya tidak tenang? ekspetasi terlalu tinggi?

bagaimana nak menjadi orang yang sentiasa senang hatinya? apa pun yang terjadi dia tetap senang hati. terima tanpa sebarang marah atau kecewa apabila sesuatu itu tidak berlaku seperti mana kehendak kita.

di satu tempat di mana saya pernah bekerja suatu masa dahulu, ada seorang budak pejabat (perempuan). dia ni cantik tetapi dia tidak berpelajaran tinggi.

dia sentiasa gembira, senang hati, selalu ketawa, sentiasa tersenyum dan ramah. dia akan menyapa dengan gembira semua orang yang dia jumpa (yang dia kenal lah). dia juga rajin kerja dan tidak pernah merungut.

dia buat dua kerja, siang kerja budak pejabat, malam kerja di restoran makanan segera. dia hanya tidur tiga jam sehari. dia membesarkan anaknya yang masih kecil. dia juga menyumbang kepada perbelanjaan rumah di mana dia tinggal bersama ayah, ibu tiri dan adik beradik dia. dia juga menanggung seorang adik yang belajar di ipt.

tetapi dia sentiasa gembira.

bekas suami dia meninggalkan dia tanpa sebab sebab tertentu. tetapi dia tak kisah dan tetap gembira. apabila di tanya kenapa suami dia ceraikan dia, dia cuma kata, entah biarlah dia.

dia di tipu semasa beli kereta. sebahagian wang pendahuluan diambil oleh salesman. loan yang sepatutnya 85 persen jadi 95 persen. dia hanya tertawa apabila di tunjukkan pengiraan kepada dia. dia enggan apabila disuruh buat komplen. biarlah katanya.

dia pernah bekerja sebelum itu yang mana taukeh tidak bayar gaji. dia tidak mahu membuat tuntutan. tak kuasalah katanya.

dia beli kereta tetapi dia tetap naik motor. kereta dia beri untuk kegunaan semua ahli keluarga.

saya pernah melihat dia diperkecilkan oleh seorang pegawai (wanita) kerana ketidakcerdikan dia. dia hanya senyum dan meminggirkan diri.

macam mana ye boleh jadi jiwa kental macam dia?

di kampung datuk nenek saya dahulu kebanyakan penduduknya hidup miskin dan da'if. tetapi mereka sentiasa gembira walaupun mereka perlu bekerja keras membanting tulang hanya untuk mendapatkan sesuap nasi. asal ada nasi walaupun dimakan dengan garam dan lada mereka sudah cukup gembira. mereka selalu buat lawak bodoh dan ketawa.

mereka hanya akan jadi marah apabila mereka dihina dan hanya akan berkecil hati jika diingatkan dengan kemiskinan mereka, tetapi mereka tidak pernah bersedih atau marah dengan ketidakadilan dunia.

mengapa saya tidak begitu?

kenapa saya suka bersedih, kecewa, tidak puas hati dengan segalanya?

ataupun saya memang selesa dengan 'sweet sorrow' seperti orang putus cinta?

merajuk dengan dunia yang tidak pernah dan tidak akan peduli?

siapa yang tidak cerdik? saya atau budak pejabat itu?
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lu pikir lah sendiri

just some thoughts for the day.

freedon of information act?

dan halau wartawan dari buat liputan.

di amerika memang ada akta yang pada nama adalah bagi menjamin kebebasan kewartawanan tetapi peruntukkannya adalah mengandungi sekatan sekatan terhadap wartawan. munkin kerana itu, hanya gossip dan sensasi mengenai tiger woods dan barrack obama menjadi berita utama dan rakyat amerika tidak mengetahui apa apa mengenai dunia luar.

amerika juga ada patriot act yang peruntukkannya adalah menyekat kebebasan individu dan membolehkan kerajaan mengintip aktiviti peribadi rakyatnya.

kita di sini tidak benarkan macc rakam percakapan saksi selepas waktu pejabat.

semalam saya tengok dirty jobs di astro.

untuk angkat bot tenggelam perlu ada permit dari dua agensi kerajaan.

anda boleh dipenjarakan jika mematahkan dahan pokok dalam kawasan yang dilindungi.

kita boleh tebang balak dalam kawasan yang di lindungi.

saya pernah bercakap dengan seorang mat salleh dari australia yang pernah memilikki sebuah ladang.

dia menjualkan ladangnya kerana tak larat, nak potong rumput pun perlu dapatkan 14 permit dari pelbagai agensi kerajaan.

dan kita ingin bebas seperti mereka.

kalau kita terlalu banyak berpolitik kita akan jadi macam filipina.

pilihanraya akan bermula tahun depan dan bunuh membunuh pun bermula tahun ini. 56 orang dah mati sekali harung je.

filipina terlalu banyak berpolitik dan langsung tiada pembangunan ekonomi, infrastructure dan peningkatan taraf hidup rakyatnya. mereka papa kedana tapi bermati matian menyokong calun pilihan mereka.

pentadbiran dan penguatkuasaan undang undang serta peraturan mereka sebegitu tidak efektif sehingga warlords yang berkuasa dan bukan kerajaan.

kita pun nak jadi macam mereka?

saya nak boikot barangan dari switzerland, tapi apa barangan nya? swiss knives?
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saya nyanyi ye

nak nyanyi sikit....


maju lah bangsa ku,

dukung lah ugama mu,

bersih kan jiwa,

ikhlas lah dalam segala.


mengapa tidak begitu,

mengapa semua tidak setuju,

semua suka berseteru,

segala jadi tak menentu.


mengapa ada yang lebih tinggi,

lebih utama dari ugama ini,

ada pula kejar duniawi,

sampai ugama di tolak tepi.


majulah bangsa ku,

junjung lah ugama mu,

jangan asyik bersengketa,

semoga yang yang Maha Esa,

memberkati kita semua
merahmati kita semua.


lagi ini boleh dinyanyikan mengikut alunan melodi mana mana lagu kanak kanak tadika.
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apa dah jadi?

sungguh lah saya tak faham.

kalau saya kena tahan polis pukul 6.30 petang lepas tu polis tu minta rasuah dari saya, saya tak boleh nak report dekat sprm sehingga esok pagi nya?

mana lah nak ada lagi barang bukti tu kalau esok baru nak siasat?

adakah makna nya, kalau nak ambil rasuah, ambil lah selepas waktu pejabat sebab sprm tak kerja waktu tu?

bukan kah crime never sleeps? how come sprm can sleep after office hours?

kata dulu nak membenteras rasuah? ini sudah buat lagi senang untuk orang makan rasuah?

apa dah jadi?

ada pulak seorang peguam tu cakap, undang undang ni terpakai juga pada polis.

jadi kalau rumah saya kena rompak malam hari, polis tak boleh lah nak pergi tangkap penjenayah tu kecuali waktu pejabat saja?

bukan kah, selepas seseorang penjenayah itu ditangkap, dia perlu disoal siasat terus untuk dapatkan barang bukti dan juga penglibatan rakan sejenayah lain yang terlepas?

kalau tidak boleh disoalsiasat, apa guna tangkap? kalau lambat soalsiasat, kereta yang dicuri dah lepas sempadan masuk negara jiran dah.

apa guna nya soalsiasat waktu pejabat ni?

sungguh la saya tak faham.

semua orang terlalu over tentang hak penjenayah.

semua orang lupa hak mangsa jenayah untuk dapat perlindungan dari rasuah dan jenayah.

adakah kerana mangsa itu "faceless"? adakah kerana mangsa itu kita semua?

jadi kita semua adalah tidak penting. tiada nilai. yang utama kepentingan politik je?

Tuhanku Yang Maha Bijaksana, lindungi lah kami semua dari kebodohan kami jua.
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i don't want money

a craggy chinese man approached me near an lrt station. he asked for twenty cents as he don't have enough for the train fare to jalan ipoh. he showed me a ringgit and fifty cents. the fare is a ringgit and seventy cents. i gave him a ringgit but he said he just want twenty cents. i gave him all my loose change but he still insist he wants just twenty cents. 'tamau....duaplosen saja...'

haiya got people don't want money aa?

a straggling indian man smelling of liqour approached me outside a bank. he said he just got out of prison and he is hungry. he asked whether i can treat him to teh tarik and roti canai at the nearby mamak shop. he said he don't want money, he's just hungry. i gave him five ringgit and he refuse to accept. i put the fiver in his shirt pocket and told him that i am in a hurry got no time to go to the kedai mamak. i told him to go and buy some food. he just stood there grinning with his eyes pleading, please laa don't give me money...

the chinese man look like an ex addict. when he spoke he sounds like he is forcing the voice out of his throat. perhaps he don't want money because he will only be tempted to buy drugs.

the indian man is obviously a drunkard. he won't be able to resist buying some samsu if he got money.

yes, it is not easy to fight temptations, but how to live without money unless you got people around you taking care of you?
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